First Poem

great poem, but it flowed a little badly, and otherwise great.

btw do I know you from somewhere?

This revised version is much better than the original! Nice revising! But I agree that maybe a little forbodding information would be nice, because if it's read right now the reader could think you were walking in the yard and fell into the storm cellar and someone is sitting on the door talking gossip so you can't get out. [Yes, that was farfetched, but you get the point haha] And yes, it is a little cliche'...but that's okay sometimes. I would also suggest originality, but this is your first poem on here so you have a ways to go =] But I disagree with the punctuation remark made...punctuation is there for a reason. Keep it...it makes the line breaks [for, that is was punctuation is for...for breaks in the reading]. Great job on that!

Happy Editing!
Meg

Well, first of all, don't punctuate the end of every sentence. Think about where you put everything. Line breaks are line breaks for a reason. Either the break or the puctuation is redundant, you can choose which.

This content is pretty cliche. I'd say reach a hell of a lot more poems to gauge how little or how much originality is in something.

Falling into this metaphorical hole has been done way too often, has been done even more if the hole isn't metaphorical.

Stray from the cliche, humkay?

-Fantasy

Well it's better, perhaps you could say WHY you felll into a dark hole... but otherwise it's pretty good. Keep it up or Draco gets it

Hey ilubdraco!

That was really nice and ofcourse the revised one is even nicer.

Keep writing and posting it in here.


-Ani

I see what you mean. Let's try again...

I've fallen into a dark hole,
There's no light even during day,
It's too hard to breathe any more,
All I can hear is rumour and gossip,
The walls smell and feel like dust and dirt,
I've fallen into this dark hole,
And I don't think I'll ever get out.

I think that's better.
What do you say?
Thanks Liz!

It's your first anything you posted here *Stalks you* hee hee....

...
This poem depresses me beyond be-damn-lief.

I think you were too... ... ... you said You couldn't do anythingbasically then gave a line on how you couldn't do it, but then what you could still DO or HEAR... you know?

I don't think you should say that you can't do anything then say what, I think you should just start describing it:

"...There's no light even during day,
It's too hard to breathe in here..."

Something like that throughout the entire poem, and whilst you're at it, expand it a bit.
I think you can put your ending line into 2 lines.

I liked the ending.
---Elizabeth